Late Night Thoughts

Welcome to another, high quality post! So tonight I’m laying in bed with a headache, which I’m pretty sure is from stress, and a crap ton of anxiety. I mean why does it always have to pick the worst times, aka night, to attack me. I mean when you think about it anxiety is attacking you, hence why it’s called an anxiety attack. Wow, can you tell I’m sleep deprived or what! Anyways I finally decided to step up as a amazing sister and visit my twin in the hospital. I honestly feel bad about it but whenever I go there not cf related, aka anything but clinics, I get bad anxiety and am lucky if I’m not on the verge of an anxiety attack. You see how I deal with it is to push it away, like whenever I know I’m starting to have an anxiety attack I’m just like “nope not right now, not today, not ever” and then boom! I’m more anxious…no, but in reality I suck at dealing with it.

Stress

Stress

Stress

How how I’m stressed…

I had a sinus infection, now I’m pretty sure I have a lung infection, school is-well school, and I am missing my twin. You hear that Annabelle! I’m showing affection for once! Wow I’m out of it, okay…

I’m probably going to post this and then go back and read it when I’m semi-less out of it and be like, what the fudge? Anyways, I think I say anyways too much. Anyways! That’s all for now, enjoy the meme at the top, bye!

-A&R

Just some quick Late Night Thoughts

I’ve been having problems expressing my feeling lately. I’ve tried writing poems and blog posts about what I feel but I can’t seem to put it out into words. My anxiety has been growing and I don’t know why, maybe it’s because of health. I feel like my life is surrounded by my cystic fibrosis. My parents always say don’t let it run your life, control it, because in reality it’s only a small part of it. Which is true in some way but it’s so hard when it feels like it’s taking over.

I think about what if I didn’t have it, and then I promptly freak out. If I didn’t have it I don’t know where I’d be. I would probably still be dealing with some mental health issues because honestly what teen isn’t these days? I’d be in public school, not go to the hospital every month or so, not be on so many pills or have so many responsibilities. But I wouldn’t be as caring, understanding, so grateful of everything. I try to look on the bright side, because in reality if I didn’t have Cf I don’t know where I’d be or honestly who.

Spoon Theory

So in honor of Rare Disease Day I’m going to write about the spoon theory!

As most of you know I have cystic fibrosis which is a genetic rare disease that has no cure, it’s also known as cf or 65 roses. These past two years have been hard, my health has started to decline and I’ve developed depression and anxiety. I’ve read a lot of stuff and one thing I discovered was the spoon theory. It’s a way for people with chronic illnesses to explain their energy levels in spoons.

Say I have 12 spoons in a regular day

It takes me 1 spoon to get out of bed

2 to take a shower

And so on

When I’m having a bad day I’ll have less spoons

Say I wake up with 5 spoons

I have to prioritize what I’m going to do

If I use more then I have it means I’m working on negative spoons, which then takes spoons out of the next day

Update+Dog Pictures

Hello peeps it’s been a little while…so let me tell you about it. First mental health, yup I’ve got depression and anxiety big surprise there. Some things that come with it are lack of motivation and decrease in interest in hobbies, especially recently. Yes I love art, it’s more than half of my blog, but it’s hard to make art when I have no motivation or interest. It doesn’t mean I’m not doing it, I’ve been making a lot of resin jewelry but I need interest and motivation for that because it’s a long process and is time consuming.

My anxiety’s been up and down, I’m not having full on anxiety attacks but I’ll have random increases of it throughout the day. I recently switched meds for anxiety and depression and it’s still not at the right dose so we’ll see how that goes.

My school semester finished one or two weeks ago and I was really behind so I needed to work hard to finish my courses, I got up in the middle of the night multiple times to work on school because I was so stressed I couldn’t sleep.

I got a cold over the weekend and ended up throwing up Tuesday night, surprisingly only once. I started feeling bad Sunday night and Monday but I thought I did to much over the weekend, my body had other plans. I had a fever til Thursday and I didn’t start feeling relatively better until Friday.

I love this blog and everything but it will take some time for me to go back to a regular schedule, I’m also going on vacation for a week starting Sunday so I will be posting pictures and such of that.

~A&R

2:11am

I can’t sleep

It’s 2:11am

My mind is a jumble

I’m upset

I’m angry

Confused

Guilty

Depressed

Why can’t I just be normal

Why when I’m happy it never lasts

Something bad always happens after

I feel hopeless sometimes

It’s apparently a symptom of depression

Which I have

But why does my list of issues keep growing

——————————————————————-

Sorry if this poem is depressing but aren’t a lot of poems depressing. I like writing, it helps me cope with stuff that’s going on. Usually I write when I’m upset and please take into consideration that some things I write in poems I don’t feel all the time. Yes I’m depressed but medication and therapy helps, but I find that what helps the most is having someone you can count on to talk to. I don’t talk about my mental health on here to much just the occasional poem, late night thoughts, stuff like that.

I’m kind of dealing with some stuff right now, so sorry if I don’t upload to much this up coming week.

-A&R

My Illness: A Poem

Sometimes I hate my illness

I mean really hate it

I feel as though I’m always canceling plans

Staying indoors

Not doing a lot

I don’t mind a lot of the time

But sometimes I do

I go back and think about how my life would’ve been different

If I didn’t have an illness

Would I have never met some of my friends

Never been really inspired to do something in the world

To make a difference

To start my blog or even art

Understanding stuff at such a young age

But also feeling as though I’m older than I actually am

If I didn’t have cf I probably wouldn’t be so understanding

So forgiving

So responsible

But I will never feel normal

I love to travel but more than half of my luggage is medical supplies

I always have to carry pills on me… everywhere

Sometimes I’m grateful for my disease

Not the physical aspect but the mental stuff

Yes I deal with anxiety and depression

Yes I’m stressed a lot

But I’m also strong

Sometimes I don’t feel like it

But if I wasn’t so strong would I be where I am today?

-A&R

Update/Random Post of the Week

Update/ Random Post of the Week

So I said early this week or last week that I was going to do a full update on everything. So here it is…

I have a sinus infection, I’ve been on antibiotics for two or so weeks and I have to do sinus rinses two times a day. It’s a pain and I’m struggling to do the sinus rinses everyday. Along with this, I have a lung infection. The symptoms started when I was put on a antibiotic for a sinus infection and since the sinus infection antibiotic also treats lung infections I’m staying on it and going to see my doctor this following Monday. My sister was put on the same antibiotic I’m on and is also seeing my dr Monday.

I’ve been kind of busy and stressed out a lot with health and some other things. I am doing online school because I’m sick a lot and I actually like it and now that I’m sick, it’s easier than going to public school. That helps with stress but I am stressed if I’m going to have to be admitted again since I’ve already been on this antibiotic for two and a half ish weeks, and whenever I get sick now I’ve been ending up in the hospital so I’m just stressed it’s going to happen again.

I want a port. My parents, well my moms eh about it but I honestly don’t know how my dad feels about it. It would help since whenever I get a iv it bursts the next day or two and I wouldn’t have to keep being put under for pics. My mom said we’ll see how we are after I get a bipap machine since when I sleep I breathe more shallow and that affects things.

Since me and my family host a golf outing each year to raise money for cystic fibrosis I was busy with that. It went good and we raised a lot of money. As some of you noticed I’m posting quotes of the days, those are not mine, I did not come up with them, there simply ones I find inspiring or relatable from Pinterest. I’m not sure if I should cite them but if you know please let me know. I’m also writing some poems. I know they’re bad but it helps me cope along with writing other stuff. Some of them don’t make since or could be taken the wrong way and I’m working on it but it’s more just for helping me than being good.

That’s all for now, bye!