Late Night Thoughts

Welcome to another, high quality post! So tonight I’m laying in bed with a headache, which I’m pretty sure is from stress, and a crap ton of anxiety. I mean why does it always have to pick the worst times, aka night, to attack me. I mean when you think about it anxiety is attacking you, hence why it’s called an anxiety attack. Wow, can you tell I’m sleep deprived or what! Anyways I finally decided to step up as a amazing sister and visit my twin in the hospital. I honestly feel bad about it but whenever I go there not cf related, aka anything but clinics, I get bad anxiety and am lucky if I’m not on the verge of an anxiety attack. You see how I deal with it is to push it away, like whenever I know I’m starting to have an anxiety attack I’m just like “nope not right now, not today, not ever” and then boom! I’m more anxious…no, but in reality I suck at dealing with it.

Stress

Stress

Stress

How how I’m stressed…

I had a sinus infection, now I’m pretty sure I have a lung infection, school is-well school, and I am missing my twin. You hear that Annabelle! I’m showing affection for once! Wow I’m out of it, okay…

I’m probably going to post this and then go back and read it when I’m semi-less out of it and be like, what the fudge? Anyways, I think I say anyways too much. Anyways! That’s all for now, enjoy the meme at the top, bye!

-A&R

Just some quick Late Night Thoughts

I’ve been having problems expressing my feeling lately. I’ve tried writing poems and blog posts about what I feel but I can’t seem to put it out into words. My anxiety has been growing and I don’t know why, maybe it’s because of health. I feel like my life is surrounded by my cystic fibrosis. My parents always say don’t let it run your life, control it, because in reality it’s only a small part of it. Which is true in some way but it’s so hard when it feels like it’s taking over.

I think about what if I didn’t have it, and then I promptly freak out. If I didn’t have it I don’t know where I’d be. I would probably still be dealing with some mental health issues because honestly what teen isn’t these days? I’d be in public school, not go to the hospital every month or so, not be on so many pills or have so many responsibilities. But I wouldn’t be as caring, understanding, so grateful of everything. I try to look on the bright side, because in reality if I didn’t have Cf I don’t know where I’d be or honestly who.

Admission

So you read the title, I’m getting admitted again.

I’m not happy about it but it’s for the best

I’ve been feeling pretty crappy

I had clinic Friday. I’ve been on many antibiotics and a steroid and they haven’t helped. My doctor started talking about my trapped air and how there’s a underlying thing going on causing this cycle of breathing problems other than cf or a part of it we haven’t thought about

So she suggested a new inhaler. I was about done after she said that. I feel like crap and all I want to do is get better not go on more meds, when I heard her say “and if you feel that your ready to be admitted just tell me” I instantly said I feel ready to be admitted

I’m sick of being sick

Although I have to go in it helps and then I feel better for a couple months before I feel bad again

But at least I’ll feel better

I’ve honestly given up on oral antibiotics

As soon as I’m sick I just want to get a admission over with and feel better

Yes there’s a underlying thing causing all this to happen but at this point I just want to do what makes me feel better, not dig into the ditch more

I wish I could just be better

I have to get a bipap machine because I breathe to shallow at night which can cause fatigue

I did two sleep studies

When I was wearing the mask for the second one all I could think was “I’m not going to be able to do this at home”

It’s horrible honestly

Although I only get air in when I breathe in it still sucks

I know I ‘have to get used to it’ but how am I going to when I can’t sleep because it’s so uncomfortable

It’s not about the mask on my face

Because I can deal with a mask it’s jut the air part

Don’t take this for any advice I might just be blowing this out of proportion but that’s just how I’m currently thinking

I’m getting admitted sometime Monday and am going to be in around a week or so depending on how I feel and then do the rest at home since it’s nearing thanksgiving

Honestly I’m so stressed

It’s going to be my first time doing online school in the hospital, I don’t know how it’s going to work out

I know I won’t get a picc for a few days because they always schedule it for one day and have to reschedule it for another

Having people constantly go in and out along with having to do so much like 4 treatments a bunch of iv antibiotics, PT, pfts two times a week

Also I’m having so many problems with ivs like whenever I get one I have to get poked twice and they never last over two days

Anyways now I’m just ranting, I’m sure it’ll be fine

-A&R

2:11am

I can’t sleep

It’s 2:11am

My mind is a jumble

I’m upset

I’m angry

Confused

Guilty

Depressed

Why can’t I just be normal

Why when I’m happy it never lasts

Something bad always happens after

I feel hopeless sometimes

It’s apparently a symptom of depression

Which I have

But why does my list of issues keep growing

——————————————————————-

Sorry if this poem is depressing but aren’t a lot of poems depressing. I like writing, it helps me cope with stuff that’s going on. Usually I write when I’m upset and please take into consideration that some things I write in poems I don’t feel all the time. Yes I’m depressed but medication and therapy helps, but I find that what helps the most is having someone you can count on to talk to. I don’t talk about my mental health on here to much just the occasional poem, late night thoughts, stuff like that.

I’m kind of dealing with some stuff right now, so sorry if I don’t upload to much this up coming week.

-A&R

Late Night Thoughts/ RPOTW

I wrote this on the day before Halloween, if you get confused with names I use look at the bottom of the post

It’s that time of the week again, but this time I’m doing LNT’s with RPOTW. You know I’m shortening them because it’s a pain to write it all out. It’s funny how I say random Post of the week but I probably only write one every couple of weeks or even months, but the name stuck. Anyways grab some food and your furry friend because this ones going to be a long one!

First Topic: Health

I do talk about health a lot so if you don’t want to read all of it just skip to the next topic.

About a month or so ago I got another lung infection. Same symptoms and everything. I had had a sinus infection and was on an antibiotic to treat it but it also happens to treat lung infections. During my sinus infection I developed a lung infection. I was on that for 3 weeks.

Next I went to my 3 month monthly clinic. My pfts were worse and the antibiotic didn’t help my symptoms. My doctor, who I’m just going to call L for the sake of writing, put me on a steroid for 5 days. It’s meant to help inflammation and trapped air which calculated by another pft calculated 33%. In my bronch I did 3 months ago there was inflammation too. It didn’t help. Honestly I wasn’t that surprised because steroids never help me. Anyways, my mom called my hospital to let L know about what’s going on. I was put on an antibiotic that I’ve never been on before and can be used as a prevention med. I took that for five days and now I take it 3 times a week. It didn’t help.

My mom called again. L wanted to see me (and my sister) and get pfts done again. My pfts were basically the same. L came in and talked to us and after a hour or so we were set. The plan is tomorrow (the 31st) I have to do a clean out which is where I have to take a bunch of laxatives to help me get regular. Whenever I have a lung infection it’s usually accompanied by constipation. Anyway I have to be hooked up to my gtube getting go lightly all day and also take 3 other laxatives which are in pill form. I’m going on two antibiotics that I’ve never tried before for a different approach. It treats a type of bacteria which doesn’t show up on cultures. I’m going to be taking two of one antibiotic a day and three of the other one, for ten days, I’ll also no longer be taking the 3 time a week antibiotic at this time. In that ten days I’ll take 80 pills of just antibiotics! I have clinic Friday and if I’m not better by then then I’ll be admitted, the same goes for my sister as well.

I do talk about my health a lot of my blog and sometimes I do repeat stuff so I’m sorry if you’ve already heard about this, but writing about it helps keep my mind from running since it’s now all in one place. Thanks for the support!

Topic #2: School/ Hobbys

So I’m homeschooled, when I say homeschool I mean I do online school. It’s where I have teachers that I can call, text, email and do school work online. There’s different paces so it shows where your at and my teachers usually email me every couple of days with weekly news letters and tips. It’s really helpful since it’s flexible around how I feel. If I had a bad night and I need to sleep in I can, I don’t have to wake up at 5 in the morning and I can do school work at my own pace. It’s also good for appointments so I don’t have to miss school.

It took a while to convince my parents, and I have to do social stuff so right now I’m taking a art class. The thing about this is I’ve been recently missing some because of appointments and my health but what can I do. I want the be involved with animals in my future career but just not a vet. I want to work with animals first to get a feel for it and make sure that’s what I want to do. I want to maybe take a jewelry class and do some more ice skating but not necessarily take a class for it. I don’t really like day camps and stuff but if I find one I like I can give it a try.

I want to pursue my blog more and start selling some of my artwork and jewelry, it’d be a cool thing to do. I want to start getting more involved in the cystic fibrosis community and help fundraise some more and help inspire others. I’ve been playing with the idea of making stuff for kids in the hospital, I know how hard it can be and I was lucky enough to not be in patient at such a young age. I want to make blankets and customize some stuffed animals. I customized one of my stuffed animals with a “picc” and a gtube. It’s my hospital buddy. My friend gave it to me as a gift when I was admitted for the first time almost two years ago.

I’ve recently been into sandbox, a app where it’s basically paint by color, my friends got me into it. I’m uploading some on my blog but I’ll be honest there more for filler posts. I’m not sure if you guys like seeing them or not, I’m trying to post everyday. I need to take time and work hard on some content other than spewing some stuff out. Let me know. I want to spread my horizon with some new art ideas, it can be anything to do with drawing, painting or even topics to write on my blog. If any of you have some ideas just comment them, I’m a fan of trying some new stuff too!

Topic #3: My Dog

I guess I’ll just start typing til I figure out what I’m going to be talking about so I can change the topic name. (It’s currently a question mark) #behind the post, oh how that sounds so cheesy.

Hmm I guess I’ll talk about my dog. Her names mya and we’ve had her for a year. She a chocolate lab and she’s crazy. She doesn’t bite (only on accident) and she’s the perfect size. She’s around 60 pounds but she’s short. She’s a little bit below my knees and I’m almost 5’4, not like I’m tall, I know I’m not! The thing is she’s a pain sometimes. Like I live in the “country” and the houses are spread out. Behind my house is a neighbor who I’m going to call I, now I has a dog named coco, she’s so fluffy and shy but she’s so cute. Mya always goes to play with her and we usually have to go get her. She’s ran to our friends house who lives across the street which doesn’t sound to far but it is where I live. Other than that we’ve had someone call us and someone return her, now those people are far away!

We recently bought her a collar to train her to stay inside our property, we obviously don’t have a fence but it’s at least 2, 2 1/2 acres of land.

She likes to bark at everything out our kitchen door (glass doors). She’ll let us know whenever there a squirrel or deer or even just the wind. She’s not a very “talkative” dog but she can when she wants to. We took her to a training class for a month or so and it didn’t help that much, we might take her to it again.

(BTP (behind the post) maybe I could do a picture compilation of her once a week..hmmm…ideas ideas)

Anyways here’s a picture of her, she’s usually not this calm or cuddly.

Topic #4: Horror Movies

WARNING, CONTAINS SPOILERS

Me, Annabelle and V have been watching horror movies since V loves them and I want to like them. So far I’ve watched

1. (Half) of the shining

2. A quiet place

3. The boy

4. The open house

5. The forest

So I’m going to reveal them in a non official way…

1. The shining

So far I don’t find it that interesting, it’s this guy that took a job as a caretaker for a retreat in the mountains. The last person that took care of it went crazy and killed his family. This guy goes crazy too and try’s to kill his family but they end up escaping with the help of one of the employees that works in the resort during the spring time with lots of things happening including there son being possessed by something, like I said before I don’t know the detail of how it ends. I know I said I only watched half of it but we stopped watching it because it was boring, but my friends told me the rest, (but not specific details).

2. A quiet place

10/10 would recommend, it’s the future and these aliens have taken over, their blind but they have super hearing. Millions have died and who knows how many are still alive. I’m not going to spoil this one because it’s new. John Krasinski or who I like to call Jim was not only one of the directors but also the main character.

3. The Boy

It’s about a doll. Not really. It seems possessed but like my fiend kept telling me you’ll see. It’s about two parents who lost a son from a house fire, to help them cope they got a doll that looked just like him. He would eat, learn, listen to music, and move. The couple puts him in the hands of a nanny and she doesn’t realize what’s she getting into. At first she didn’t follow any of the rules which include feeding it, reading it story’s, homeschooling it, talking to it, ect. Then weird stuff keeps happening. She eventually thinks she’s going crazy until her and the grocery delivery guy figure out it actually moves. Turns out the son was crazy and living in the attic the whole time, eating the food, turning on the music, moving the doll to make it seem like it was alive all while getting through the walls of the mansion. Enough said I was relieved by the end of the movie to find out that there were no ghosts or spirits involved.

#4. The open house

To sum it up and not spoil it to much a family who just lost a father and husband temporarily move to a relatives cottage while it’s in the selling process. Weird stuff keeps happening and it turns out there’s a serial killer who goes from one open house to another and killing them. I won’t ruin the ending too much, if you want to know, look it up.

#5 The forest

A twin sister goes into the suicide forest in Japan with a class of her students, she wanders off. When her sister finds out the news she goes and looks for her. Soon weird things start to happen and some stuff goes down. Watch it to find out because I’m not spoiling this since it wasn’t made too long ago.

Topic #5: Random

I’ve probably spent a hour or so writing this. It’s currently 11pm and my dogs going crazy. Oh ya me and my sister finally redid our room. It’s not relevant but this is called random for a reason.

Fun Facts!

 McDonalds calls frequent buyers of their food “heavy users

The average person spends 6 months of their lifetime waiting on a red light to turn green

There’s more public libraries than McDonald’s

The British royal family isn’t allowed to play monopoly

Most toilets flush in E flat

Approximately 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

“Almost” is the longest word in English with all the letters in alphabetical order.

“Sean Connery” wore a toupee in all his James Bond movies.

It actually takes 142.18 licks to reach the center of a Tootsie pop.

You’ll eat more than 35,000 cookies in your lifetime (probably).

Fredric Baur was the man who invented the iconic “Pringles” can. When he died, his ashes were buried in one

Ignore this if you aren’t confused on names

L is my doctor, l is the first letter of her name

I is for my neighbor who ps nick name is related to the name of my street because he takes care of the dirt roads

V is my best friend, v is her nickname

End of explanation

That’s all for now, bye!

-A&W

My Illness: A Poem

Sometimes I hate my illness

I mean really hate it

I feel as though I’m always canceling plans

Staying indoors

Not doing a lot

I don’t mind a lot of the time

But sometimes I do

I go back and think about how my life would’ve been different

If I didn’t have an illness

Would I have never met some of my friends

Never been really inspired to do something in the world

To make a difference

To start my blog or even art

Understanding stuff at such a young age

But also feeling as though I’m older than I actually am

If I didn’t have cf I probably wouldn’t be so understanding

So forgiving

So responsible

But I will never feel normal

I love to travel but more than half of my luggage is medical supplies

I always have to carry pills on me… everywhere

Sometimes I’m grateful for my disease

Not the physical aspect but the mental stuff

Yes I deal with anxiety and depression

Yes I’m stressed a lot

But I’m also strong

Sometimes I don’t feel like it

But if I wasn’t so strong would I be where I am today?

-A&R

Late Night Thoughts

I’m typing this at 12:44am and I just realized I scheduled “yesterday’s post” for “last night” so… ya. I really need to check it more often. Anyways I can’t sleep because I feel like crap. Literally, I can feel mucus in my lungs and it’s very uncomfortable. I took my inhaler and I’m doing the arubika but it’s not helping. I’m not really sure what to do.

So to start off the topic of this post I’m going to talk about school. This year both me and my sister are doing online school because of our chronic illness and it just seemed easier. So far it’s good. Most people would think it’s easy but it’s hard if you don’t have enough will power and aren’t responsible. A lot of it is up to you. I have to check my emails everyday, go through my work and see if I’m behind in any of my classes, work on classes and if I have a question I have to contact my teacher through email or text, I’m not sure if I can call them but I usually text or email. Luckily every teacher does a public video chat thing a couple times a week and I can go through the concept we’re working on and ask questions then.

Moving on to the next topic, careers. Because of my age I shouldn’t be thinking to much about my career but I honestly like to. I’ve always known I wanted to do something with animals. I remember before I moved I would always play “doctor” on my stuffed animals, aka a vet. Now I don’t want to be a vet now but I still want to do something with them. I was thinking either training like service dogs in a business that does that or work at some sort of rescuing shelter. I still might do something in art but maybe I could get a major in animal stuff and a minor in art so if I want to switch careers or do a side job I can do it.

Next topic, are tomatoes a fruit or vegetable. I remember in 4th grade gym fighting with this one person about this topic. We eventually asked the gym teacher and she didn’t know either.

Occurring to en.oxforddictionaries.com

The tomato is a fruit.

There… debate concluded…

Also update on my mucus situation right now I still feel like there’s a lot in there so what I did didn’t help but I’m getting tired so hopefully I’ll be able to fall asleep. Also me and my sister share a room and she’s snoring… she usually doesn’t snore so I had to put this in here.

Upcoming stuff

November 2 (I think) I’m getting another sleep study done to see how much I need the air pressure on my bipap machine. I need this because when I got my last sleep study done it showed that I breathe really shallow at night, aka I don’t exhale enough at night, aka I have to get a bipap machine… yay?!… I’m not looking forward to having to wear that for the whole night… for the rest of my life.

Anyways that’s all for today’s post, this was typed on the 20th/21st of September night. I decide to add this days day of the quote in this post too…

– A&R