Admission

So you read the title, I’m getting admitted again.

I’m not happy about it but it’s for the best

I’ve been feeling pretty crappy

I had clinic Friday. I’ve been on many antibiotics and a steroid and they haven’t helped. My doctor started talking about my trapped air and how there’s a underlying thing going on causing this cycle of breathing problems other than cf or a part of it we haven’t thought about

So she suggested a new inhaler. I was about done after she said that. I feel like crap and all I want to do is get better not go on more meds, when I heard her say “and if you feel that your ready to be admitted just tell me” I instantly said I feel ready to be admitted

I’m sick of being sick

Although I have to go in it helps and then I feel better for a couple months before I feel bad again

But at least I’ll feel better

I’ve honestly given up on oral antibiotics

As soon as I’m sick I just want to get a admission over with and feel better

Yes there’s a underlying thing causing all this to happen but at this point I just want to do what makes me feel better, not dig into the ditch more

I wish I could just be better

I have to get a bipap machine because I breathe to shallow at night which can cause fatigue

I did two sleep studies

When I was wearing the mask for the second one all I could think was “I’m not going to be able to do this at home”

It’s horrible honestly

Although I only get air in when I breathe in it still sucks

I know I ‘have to get used to it’ but how am I going to when I can’t sleep because it’s so uncomfortable

It’s not about the mask on my face

Because I can deal with a mask it’s jut the air part

Don’t take this for any advice I might just be blowing this out of proportion but that’s just how I’m currently thinking

I’m getting admitted sometime Monday and am going to be in around a week or so depending on how I feel and then do the rest at home since it’s nearing thanksgiving

Honestly I’m so stressed

It’s going to be my first time doing online school in the hospital, I don’t know how it’s going to work out

I know I won’t get a picc for a few days because they always schedule it for one day and have to reschedule it for another

Having people constantly go in and out along with having to do so much like 4 treatments a bunch of iv antibiotics, PT, pfts two times a week

Also I’m having so many problems with ivs like whenever I get one I have to get poked twice and they never last over two days

Anyways now I’m just ranting, I’m sure it’ll be fine

-A&R

2:11am

I can’t sleep

It’s 2:11am

My mind is a jumble

I’m upset

I’m angry

Confused

Guilty

Depressed

Why can’t I just be normal

Why when I’m happy it never lasts

Something bad always happens after

I feel hopeless sometimes

It’s apparently a symptom of depression

Which I have

But why does my list of issues keep growing

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Sorry if this poem is depressing but aren’t a lot of poems depressing. I like writing, it helps me cope with stuff that’s going on. Usually I write when I’m upset and please take into consideration that some things I write in poems I don’t feel all the time. Yes I’m depressed but medication and therapy helps, but I find that what helps the most is having someone you can count on to talk to. I don’t talk about my mental health on here to much just the occasional poem, late night thoughts, stuff like that.

I’m kind of dealing with some stuff right now, so sorry if I don’t upload to much this up coming week.

-A&R

My Illness: A Poem

Sometimes I hate my illness

I mean really hate it

I feel as though I’m always canceling plans

Staying indoors

Not doing a lot

I don’t mind a lot of the time

But sometimes I do

I go back and think about how my life would’ve been different

If I didn’t have an illness

Would I have never met some of my friends

Never been really inspired to do something in the world

To make a difference

To start my blog or even art

Understanding stuff at such a young age

But also feeling as though I’m older than I actually am

If I didn’t have cf I probably wouldn’t be so understanding

So forgiving

So responsible

But I will never feel normal

I love to travel but more than half of my luggage is medical supplies

I always have to carry pills on me… everywhere

Sometimes I’m grateful for my disease

Not the physical aspect but the mental stuff

Yes I deal with anxiety and depression

Yes I’m stressed a lot

But I’m also strong

Sometimes I don’t feel like it

But if I wasn’t so strong would I be where I am today?

-A&R

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

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Yesterday I was happy. A little girl that was innocent, with the whole world on her shoulders. A ray of sunshine. Not a care in the world. Full of energy and joy. She loved to play. Letting her imagination run free. Playing with friends and climbing on monkey bars and trees, doing cartwheels all over. Going to school and loving life. Jumping in chalked squares and jump ropes. Riding her bike and feeling free. Feeling the wind in her hair and the adrenaline in her veins. Not caring what others think or others opinions.

Today I am struggling. Not innocent anymore. Having my whole life stresses on my shoulders. No energy and not normal. Definitely not normal. The hospital is my second home. Depression, Anxiety, Stress. Panic attacks weekly. Reality slowly replacing the happy girl I once was. Seeping into all the cracks. Today I experience the reality of my disease. Creeping up to me when I least accept it. Having bad days more than good. Instead of loving being around people I like being alone. Finding comfort at night. The stars shinning just like I once was. Letting my thoughts run free, even though I feel trapped in them. Loneliness and guilt comes and goes. Writing my feeling out. Painting them away. Blocking them out in music. Feeling as though the only ones who truly understand are online.

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Tomorrow I accomplish my dreams. Travel around the world. Sell my art. Spread awareness. Pursuing my dream job and loving life. Although I still have bad days I am more positive. Although I still struggle I have lots of support. I do crazy stuff. Go cliff diving, maybe skydiving or get a tattoo. Living my life to the fullest. Falling in love or filling my house with pets and art. Going to London, Italy, New Zealand, France. Learning about different cultures and art.