Yesterday I was happy. A little girl that was innocent, with the whole world on her shoulders. A ray of sunshine. Not a care in the world. Full of energy and joy. She loved to play. Letting her imagination run free. Playing with friends and climbing on monkey bars and trees, doing cartwheels all over. Going to school and loving life. Jumping in chalked squares and jump ropes. Riding her bike and feeling free. Feeling the wind in her hair and the adrenaline in her veins. Not caring what others think or others opinions.
Today I am struggling. Not innocent anymore. Having my whole life stresses on my shoulders. No energy and not normal. Definitely not normal. The hospital is my second home. Depression, Anxiety, Stress. Panic attacks weekly. Reality slowly replacing the happy girl I once was. Seeping into all the cracks. Today I experience the reality of my disease. Creeping up to me when I least accept it. Having bad days more than good. Instead of loving being around people I like being alone. Finding comfort at night. The stars shinning just like I once was. Letting my thoughts run free, even though I feel trapped in them. Loneliness and guilt comes and goes. Writing my feeling out. Painting them away. Blocking them out in music. Feeling as though the only ones who truly understand are online.
Tomorrow I accomplish my dreams. Travel around the world. Sell my art. Spread awareness. Pursuing my dream job and loving life. Although I still have bad days I am more positive. Although I still struggle I have lots of support. I do crazy stuff. Go cliff diving, maybe skydiving or get a tattoo. Living my life to the fullest. Falling in love or filling my house with pets and art. Going to London, Italy, New Zealand, France. Learning about different cultures and art.
(Cute cats from a cat cafe I went to during my last admission)
So I can’t sleep… shocker I know! I don’t get good sleep and I have a lot of problems falling asleep. I did get a sleep study done and I have some breathing issue but I’m getting it sorted out. Anyways since I’m sick my sleep is like 10x worse. Sometimes I’ll be up anywhere from 2 til 5am, yes 5 freaking am, as in the morning! And then I’ll sleep til 1pm. I can’t sleep because of my breathing issues and just the overall uncomfortableness in my lungs, I’m guessing from all the mucus.
Anyways as you can tell I can’t sleep. And the reason this time being breathing problems. I am taking my inhaler even though it never helps but mine as well try it… again. I’m taking 4 puffs instead of 2 so maybe it will help, probably not. I hate taking 4 puffs though because it makes my hands shaky and I can’t sit still. I’ve been on a antibiotic for my lung infection for over a week and have also been put on a steroid. My last admission was in the beginning of June so it’s only been a month or so since this happened last. I went to clinic last week and my pfts were ok, my doctor said they weren’t where she wanted them but it’s not like I needed to be admitted right then and there.
Anyways I am aware that this post I all over the place but that’s kind of the point of my late night thoughts writings is just small updates about my health and art and other random stuff. I’m being homeschooled this year. Me and my sister have wanted to be homeschooled since 7th grade which is the time our health started to go downhill. It’s too much for us to miss so much school and have to make up so much work and it just adds to anxiety. I’m actually pretty excited because I can do more art stuff and maybe even grow me and my sisters YouTube channel and start posting stuff regularly and I also want to start uploading to my blog more. For my electives, and yes there is electives for online school, I want to do some art and take a veterinarian science class. When I’m older I want to do something with animals or art as my career but I still have some time to decide but even if I chose one I would still do the other one. When I’m old enough I want to volunteer at pet shelters and foster animals.
So as I’m typing this it’s Sunday night, we’ll really Monday morning, “I’m” (aka my mom) is going to call my hospital “today” or Tuesday. I’ll of course give updates and if I get admitted I’m going to try to do art posts still but I will still do hospital diaries. But I might change it up a bit so I will continue to record my health even after I’m discharged since I think I’m going to go back to staying in the hospital a week and doing two weeks of antibiotics at home. I would talk about my day, my antibiotic schedule, getting blood draws and just overall my life of when I’m sick. Maybe I can call it the Brianna Diaries? Bri Diaries? The Salty Life Journeys/ journal/ diaries? Something with A&R in it? I don’t know give me some suggestions in the comments.
That’s all for now bye…
-A&R (art and roses)🌹
Today I went on a pass and went to a cat cafe, also known as a catfe. So I’m going to show you all the cats I took pictures of and tell you their names if I remember.
Meet Lepear, he is 7. He was so cute and friendly. He was purring really loud and kept rubbing his face on my hand.
This is Little B (yes that is his actual name) and he is 6 years old.
Sadly I can’t remember this ones name but they were so cute.
This is sandy, she was really shy.
Sadly I don’t remember these guys name either but they were all so cute.
In all I really enjoyed this and it costed $4 for one person for 30 minutes to be there, there was also a coffee shop next door.