Late Night Thoughts

So I’m sick yet again, just having my normal lung infection symptoms you know it’s all good! My mind is racing with all the possible things that can happen in the next month, and all the emotions that will come back to me. Loneliness, anxious, beyond stressed, depressed, hopelessness. I’m trying to wrap my head around this and telling myself I won’t end up in the hospital but since the first time I start coughing again I give up. The last 5 times I’ve been hospitalized so why won’t I be this time. The oral antibiotics never help so why would they this time. I’m sorry if all this sounds depressing but it’s my life. It’s like a Ferris wheel, constantly moving up and down and stopping a little at different heights so people can get off, but not me, I’m stuck in this constant cycle. Since cf is a progressive disease it will only get worse but got to stay positive you know? I can get better for a little time but then it happens all over again, like I said before it’s this cycle.

When Im sick I feel alone, even though there’s lots of support around me. But no one truly understands. You know there used to be clubs for people with cf and camps but kids were just getting sicker so they figured out were contagious to each other. It used to be 4 or 5 feet that we had to stand apart but now it’s 6, and probably is going to just keep increasing. That’s why I have to wear a mask in the hospital. And they try to get you in a room as soon as possible since they don’t like two cf patients in the same waiting room. Now I don’t know if this is just me but whenever I see another cf patient I feel some sort of pride, or understanding.

When I’m sick I get beyond stressed, stressed about taking pills and hospitals, ivs and picc lines, doctors visits and hospital admissions. When your in the hospital it’s hard to be there doing nothing when everything is moving outside those four walls.

Let me just say that I just realized how much I use my blog for coping. These late night thoughts and other cf posts I tend to write when I’m not in the best mood or if I’m stressed and want to get my thoughts straight. Sorry if this is depressing but these are just my thoughts sometimes and it comes along with having a chronic illness. Anyways I hope you enjoy this snippet into my life and bye!

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